*WARNING* Nothing fun, light, witty, happy to follow. My blog. My rules. There's a red x if you need it - you will not offend me, I promise.
I'm in a funk - I'm writing down all my funky shit to hopefully let it go. It's taper after all. Mental training time. I don't have the mind space for this stuff, so I'm putting it here instead.
***
I found out yesterday that my good friend's brother committed suicide over the weekend. I am unbelievably sad for her and her family. What a tragic loss.
But on the flip side of that I am unbelievably angry.
I have a lot of life experience with suicide. So much that somewhere along the line I stopped feeling sorry for the person who died (they are, in fact, gone - that's permanent. No use wasting any emotion on them) and instead I was left with a lot of anger and resentment.
Suicide is so fucking selfish.
I realize that my reaction is probably unhealthy. That I may have some "issues" that need fixing on this front. But you know what? I'm at peace with my pissed-offedness. I obviously do not share those feelings with the grieving family. Instead I own them in my heart and seethe in silence.
Yeah, clearly unresolved issues here.
But so sad for my friend, who is heartbroken.
***
I got a call after my recent mammogram that the radiologist noticed "changes" on both sides and I need to go in again next week for an extra thorough boob squishing and ultrasound.
This scares the crap out of me.
Way too much cancer happening around me. I am trying to remain hopeful that this is nothing. That the changes are there because I am in 100% better physical shape than I was the last time I had a mammogram. But that's getting increasingly difficult for me.
I'm not talking about it to anyone because that of course makes it REAL.
I don't want it to be REAL.
So, yeah. Scared.
***
Both girls are home from school today. I feel a little bad for them, because all that patience I had when the boys were sick last week got all used up and now I am just cranky.
PLEASE don't let me get sick right now! NO TIME FOR THAT SHIT!
***
Sorry this post was no fun. I'm hopeful that putting it out here helps me let it go. Thanks for listening...
I fully agree with you about suicide. It's a cop out which everyone else has to suffer through. Good luck with the mammogram!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're in a funk, but it sounds like you have every right to be. Things are going to get better though. Because you are awesome. Burn some sage around those sick kiddos, remind your friend its NOT her fault, and go chuck norris that ultrasound. I don't know if that makes any sense, but i hope you feel better soon :)
ReplyDeletesometimes suicide is the result of mental illness which creates some pretty severe internal suffering. Although, it always very frustrating to me to hear about suicides I have more compassion towards it since I realize that person must have been suffering greatly in order to end one's own life. I'm very sorry for your friend and her family. May her brother find peace in heaven that he could not find on earth.
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed (that you need it) for the next ultrasound. I know everything will be AOK!
ReplyDeleteThe funk sounds perfectly understandable - I, too, am having one right now a bit. Just keep running for health & sanity and give your loved ones an extra hug.
You and I are completely on the same page about suicide. It's 100% selfish.
ReplyDeleteDon't stress too much about the mammogram call-back yet. I can think of at least three women I know that got that same call and worried themselves sick only to have it be cystic changes.
***HUGS*** Hang in there, darlin.
So sorry to hear about your friend's brother. Suicide has hit close to home here as well, and it absolutely sucks.
ReplyDeleteKeeping you in my thoughts and prayers and sending healthy vibes your way for your next mammo/us. Chances are it's nothing but it's still scary as hell when you're in the middle of it. Big hugs to you from MN!!!
Lot's of hugs. Good thoughts about the boobies and patience for dealing with the girls. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteSending you positive vibes about the ultrasound
ReplyDeleteHugs, lady! Sending you lots of good thoughts and healthy vibes as you go through all of this.
ReplyDeleteI had to do the whole u/s thing. It turned out OK but I had overwhelming desire to be drunk for the entire thing. Unfortunately, they said no. Dumb doctors.
Oh Bobbi,
ReplyDeleteSending you warm happy thoughts. Please keep us posted, I'll be praying for you and your friends family.
Sorry to hear about your friends brother. I kind of have the same feeling you do on suicide. I have you in my prayer on your next mammogram. I hope thinks start looking up for you.
ReplyDeleteYour funk sounds totally understandable.
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of good vibes on the next mammo.
I'm so sorry about the funk. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty mixed on suicide. I definitely agree that it places a burden and emotional mess on those left behind. But, sometimes people don't know what else to do with a life that they deem is no longer worth living. And that makes me feel sad that they never had or made use of amazing resources and medicine that could've put them on the road to getting better.
ReplyDeleteUgh! Let us know how your appt goes! I hope it's noting scary :(
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your friend. And glad that you are NOT sorry for your feelings. We are allowed to have whatever opinion we want on shit and feel shitty about thing if we want to... not making sense, but yeah. It's okay to feel that way.
And yeah, go Chuck Norris on those boobs.
Suicide is terrible, sucky, and all together horrid for all involved. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I hope your boobies survive the smushin' and DON'T GET SICK!
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing I can say to take away what you're going through right now, so here's what I'm going to do:
ReplyDelete*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE HUG*
So sorry about the suicide. Heartbreaking and frustrating beyond words. FWIW I went thru the same mammo issues when I started working out hard. Had to have the in-depth mammo and all was perfect. May it be so for you. Big hugs my friend!
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for your friend and her family as well and for you! I'm soooo sorry!
ReplyDeleteNot likely to be helpful, but changes on both boobes is WAY better news than on just one . . . makes it MUCH more likely it's nothing other than your awesome pec muscles or something. It sucks and I can only imagine how scared you are. I wish I could hug you and hold your hand. One day at a time - one step at a time - and try to hang in there.
I'm sorry you're surrounded by sickness . . I read in one of the elite runner's books that they send their preschool age children away to a relative's house 2 weeks before big racing events so that they avoid all possible germs . . . really? Cuz that's the real world!! I guess you should just send everyone away for 2 weeks . . . ha! Healthy antibodies being sent your way!!!!
Hoping tomorrow brings something brighter your way!!!!
So many feelings with this post...but you already know 99.9% of them...
ReplyDeleteplease call me about the mammo...keep in mind this is my field, and if I can help in any way I can-I WILL.
Prayers for you guys...
Love u!
I agree with you about suicide, it's horrible and selfish. It hits close to home for me as well. There are so many people in this world that fight to live.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, you're a fighter. You'll get through it. Just keep your head up and take care of YOU!
maybe the boob squisher wasn't properly trained..and they want someone else to be sure you are ok. There is a ton of cancer in my world too. My good friend is going in next month for her second round of surgery for her thyroid cancer, she is 39. I would be scared..don't misunderstand..I am just trying to come up with other reasons ;) ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI just know when you have shit days/week/months/ (in my case: years) sometimes just a hug is the best thing so I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug!!!!! So sorry, my friend, that life sucks right now. It will be better, it will.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the mammogram: think positive, I am a cancer survivor.
ReplyDeleteSorry about the suicide.
A big hug from Italy.
Well crap. OK, now that that's out of the way, let's look up and think positive.
ReplyDeleteBobbi, I agree with you about suicide. It's the people left behind who suffer terribly.
ReplyDeleteBoob wise, think positive. Those darn boobies like to scare the crap out of us sometimes.
Sending hugs your way!
Delurking here.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you about suicide. I lost my cousin to suicide and it took years for me not to be pissed at him. It's a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Therapy and medications can work wonders.
Anyway, I hope you start having a better day!
i'm so sorry for the heartache you're going threw. ((hugs)) and *love* going your way. stay strong sweetness. xo
ReplyDeletesuicide is selfish - but shouldn't we value ourselves enough to have the choice- and respect others when they make it?
ReplyDeleteTell that to his 2 kids. I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with you on this one.
DeleteBobbi I had no idea about the health stuff...My prayers and love go out to you! You will be fine-I just know it! <3
ReplyDelete