So, obviously I am incapable of regular blogging. And that's ok with me. So I'll just poke my head in whenever the urge strikes and call it good enough.
Which is remarkably similar to my running right now. And that is less ok with me, but it'll have to do.
Back in June, I finished Grandma's marathon. It was my 5th running and my 4th finish of this particular race, which has come to mean so much to me in so many ways. It was also my last running of it for the foreseeable future. And my second full marathon with my sister by my side.
My experience in Duluth this year was a mixed bag. I had an absolutely wonderful weekend with my sister and my friends, and my parents came to watch us run. The Duluth weather for everything but the race was absolutely spectacular. We spent the day before the race tooling around town and visiting places we haven't seen in years and marveling at how some things were so different and some looked the same. The weekend was fab.
The race? Notsomuch.
Backing up a bit, I strained my left calf a couple weeks before race day. I ran the weekend before, and it loosened up as I ran, so I was hopeful for an ok race. That was just not to be. Race morning dawned, we made the trek up the shore of Lake Superior to Two Harbors. We got off the bus, used brand new pottties, got situated in the corrals and watched the elites warm up. We got to meet Eric before the start, who doesn't even know that he's been my idol for years. We didn't make the video, but it was cool all the same - he's like a celebrity.
And then it rained. For the 40 or so minutes before we started, we stood in a freaking downpour. We laughed, because what else can you do. I mean, the buses all left, so the only way back to Duluth was to run.
Or walk, as it were.
I ran maybe 11, but never felt good. I run/walked a few more.
And then I pretty much walked the rest.
Sure, there were moments of limp shuffling. But it was mostly walking. And it was fucking miserable. So much that I broke down crying SEVERAL TIMES during the last half. If I were a smarter woman, I'd have bailed. But I am stubborn, and my sister was by my side, and fuck it, I wanted my shirt and medal. It was a PW, but it was a victory that I crossed the line. I don't think I've done anything tougher. Ever.
So this summer, I've been injured. I run here and there, but it took a LONG time to heal. And it's still not 100%, although it's MUCH improved from where it was in late June. And I am signed up for the Twin Cities marathon in October. And I am NOT running it.
And I am ok.
While not marathon training stings a bit, watching my friends complete long run after long run and missing that burn and the sense of accomplishment and the camaraderie, it's been rather lovely to spend this summer with my family, and swim and sleep in and hug and BE. I know I'll run again, so for now, it is enough.
In 2012, I ran and ran. Nearly 1500 miles. And I PR'd nearly every distance. And I was proud.
But I have a life outside of running, and that level of dedication is not realistic for me year after year. And it isn't fair to my family. I appreciate how much they all support me, but sometimes I have to give a little too.
And this year was a good year to do that.
But I'll be back again at it - it's part of me now, and there's no excising that part. It'll wait.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
No Longer a Treadmill Virgin
Today I did something I've never done before in all my nearly 44 years.
I ran on a treadmill.
It was honestly harder than I expected it to be. At first, I was going so slowly that the mill told me I was basically walking. My stride was so short tho that I felt like I was running fast! I got nervous, thinking it'd take me a gajillion years to run a few stupid miles on this hamster wheel!
After a couple minutes, I relaxed a little. I realized that there was plenty of room behind me, and I lengthened out my stride. I started bumping up the speed a little at a time, until finally I was at my average pace.
But oh boy, did I feel like I was WORKING to maintain it! And also, I felt almost like you do running a technical trail - I was concentrating SO HARD on staying in the middle and placing my feet so I didn't trip up and fly off the back.
Now I understand why people say that it's tough. I couldn't ever just go - each step was measured and deliberate.
So, yes I am glad I have the option, but I don't think I'll ever become that runner who loves running in place more than running outside....
I ran on a treadmill.
It was honestly harder than I expected it to be. At first, I was going so slowly that the mill told me I was basically walking. My stride was so short tho that I felt like I was running fast! I got nervous, thinking it'd take me a gajillion years to run a few stupid miles on this hamster wheel!
After a couple minutes, I relaxed a little. I realized that there was plenty of room behind me, and I lengthened out my stride. I started bumping up the speed a little at a time, until finally I was at my average pace.
But oh boy, did I feel like I was WORKING to maintain it! And also, I felt almost like you do running a technical trail - I was concentrating SO HARD on staying in the middle and placing my feet so I didn't trip up and fly off the back.
Now I understand why people say that it's tough. I couldn't ever just go - each step was measured and deliberate.
So, yes I am glad I have the option, but I don't think I'll ever become that runner who loves running in place more than running outside....
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Double Digits
Oops. I guess blogging every day is tougher than I thought!
Yesterday, I got in my first double digit run of the year. We were lucky enough to have a great day for running - high 20s and no wind - and I was lucky enough to have friends to run with me, since I have been lacking in the motivation department.
Dawn and Riyanti came over and we ran loops in my neighborhood. Boring scenery, but my roads are wide and they take great care of them in the winter so there was no ice to deal with. Pace was easy, just like the conversation. But we held steady the whole run.
Riyanti finished six and left us, and Dawn and I finished up ten. As usual, the last two miles sucked, but instead of my usual death walk at the end, our last 2 miles were a couple of the quickest of the day because we both wanted to be DONE.
First week on the books!
Yesterday, I got in my first double digit run of the year. We were lucky enough to have a great day for running - high 20s and no wind - and I was lucky enough to have friends to run with me, since I have been lacking in the motivation department.
Dawn and Riyanti came over and we ran loops in my neighborhood. Boring scenery, but my roads are wide and they take great care of them in the winter so there was no ice to deal with. Pace was easy, just like the conversation. But we held steady the whole run.
Riyanti finished six and left us, and Dawn and I finished up ten. As usual, the last two miles sucked, but instead of my usual death walk at the end, our last 2 miles were a couple of the quickest of the day because we both wanted to be DONE.
First week on the books!
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Driven
Most of you who've been here for a while know that I have 4 kids.
When I first became a mom, I was so entrenched in the small things - the "making it through the day" things (sometimes even just the hour haha) - that the future seemed light years away. I couldn't see it - couldn't even imagine it in my head. And all the veteran moms would say, "Enjoy these moments! They go so fast!" And I would smile and nod, inside just wishing these moments to HURRY THE EFF UP. Mostly because I was tired.
But I blinked, and now I have a house full of young people. There are no babies here. James (who will be 8!! in less than 2 weeks) and I were at the store the other day and he was giggling to me at the mom with the toddler and the baby and the cart full of diapers and formula and wipes and those puffy snack thingies.
"Mom! We don't need any of those things at OUR house!"
I kind of felt punched in the gut. But no, we haven't needed any of those things for quite some time now.
Monday night I was helping my 15 year old find a dress for a formal dance at her school. I was sitting on a chair outside the fitting rooms next to a dad who was wrangling a squirmy 1 year old and I was flirting with the baby (because that's what I do - I love babies even if I never want to have another of my own). And I turned into that veteran mama, reminding him of how fast it all goes, how quickly that wriggly smiley baby will become this beautiful young woman.
So lately, that beautiful young woman has been driving me around town. I cannot tell you what a bizarre paradox this is for me - for YEARS, I have been the taxi driver, I transport these small people to all their THINGS. And there are a lot of things. So to sit in the van, the van I have been driving for as long as my oldest son has been alive, in the PASSENGER SEAT while my KID drives me around and chats me up.
That's all kinds of weird y'all.
I'm getting more and more used to my new role. More ear lender and advice giver and money hander outer, and less nose wiper and time out giver and boo boo kisser and snuggler. I'm so proud of these young people in my house. But the reality that they are getting closer and closer to LEAVING my house is starting to set in.
With every car ride I take.
When I first became a mom, I was so entrenched in the small things - the "making it through the day" things (sometimes even just the hour haha) - that the future seemed light years away. I couldn't see it - couldn't even imagine it in my head. And all the veteran moms would say, "Enjoy these moments! They go so fast!" And I would smile and nod, inside just wishing these moments to HURRY THE EFF UP. Mostly because I was tired.
But I blinked, and now I have a house full of young people. There are no babies here. James (who will be 8!! in less than 2 weeks) and I were at the store the other day and he was giggling to me at the mom with the toddler and the baby and the cart full of diapers and formula and wipes and those puffy snack thingies.
"Mom! We don't need any of those things at OUR house!"
I kind of felt punched in the gut. But no, we haven't needed any of those things for quite some time now.
Monday night I was helping my 15 year old find a dress for a formal dance at her school. I was sitting on a chair outside the fitting rooms next to a dad who was wrangling a squirmy 1 year old and I was flirting with the baby (because that's what I do - I love babies even if I never want to have another of my own). And I turned into that veteran mama, reminding him of how fast it all goes, how quickly that wriggly smiley baby will become this beautiful young woman.
So lately, that beautiful young woman has been driving me around town. I cannot tell you what a bizarre paradox this is for me - for YEARS, I have been the taxi driver, I transport these small people to all their THINGS. And there are a lot of things. So to sit in the van, the van I have been driving for as long as my oldest son has been alive, in the PASSENGER SEAT while my KID drives me around and chats me up.
That's all kinds of weird y'all.
I'm getting more and more used to my new role. More ear lender and advice giver and money hander outer, and less nose wiper and time out giver and boo boo kisser and snuggler. I'm so proud of these young people in my house. But the reality that they are getting closer and closer to LEAVING my house is starting to set in.
With every car ride I take.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
New Beginings
I quit my job today.
It seems weird to say, since it took me working regular hours for nearly six months before I actually felt like I had a "job" again, for real. Like I wasn't just faking it.
But my husband just got a new job with an hour long commute, and we decided that at least in the beginning, it would help a lot if I were not a slave to a schedule outside the home too. And while it helped a little, my job wasn't bringing in loads of cash for us, so the choice was a pretty easy one.
On one hand, I am really excited to have all my time wide open again, and to hang out with my kids this summer, and to run whenever I want.
But at the same time, I am going to miss that part of having a job that makes you feel like a productive member of a family again. I am hopeful that by being available for my kids, I WILL feel productive, albeit not in a monetary way. And soon, very soon, my kids will be old enough that I can have a job again in my chosen field. I MISS lab work. I miss it a lot. And I am excited about the prospect of getting back in a lab again, even if I need to start at the very bottom.
I have 3 month of working left - I'll work through May. And then?
Sky's the limit, I guess!
It seems weird to say, since it took me working regular hours for nearly six months before I actually felt like I had a "job" again, for real. Like I wasn't just faking it.
But my husband just got a new job with an hour long commute, and we decided that at least in the beginning, it would help a lot if I were not a slave to a schedule outside the home too. And while it helped a little, my job wasn't bringing in loads of cash for us, so the choice was a pretty easy one.
On one hand, I am really excited to have all my time wide open again, and to hang out with my kids this summer, and to run whenever I want.
But at the same time, I am going to miss that part of having a job that makes you feel like a productive member of a family again. I am hopeful that by being available for my kids, I WILL feel productive, albeit not in a monetary way. And soon, very soon, my kids will be old enough that I can have a job again in my chosen field. I MISS lab work. I miss it a lot. And I am excited about the prospect of getting back in a lab again, even if I need to start at the very bottom.
I have 3 month of working left - I'll work through May. And then?
Sky's the limit, I guess!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Trying
I miss writing...but I seem to have lost my voice.
I miss reading...but so many blogs are not what they used to be.
It's difficult to write when the people who've been your fodder over the years now are damn near grown young people with opinions on what you share about them over the interwebs. It's also tough when you've lost the passion for the thing that gives you a reason to haul your lazy ass out of bed early every morning, So basically, I was out of content.
This year, for lent, instead of giving up all the things, I am going to try to DO all the things. Things to make me a better me.
First up - training for Grandmas again. I am going to take it seriously, even if the race is designated a fun race for me and my sister. I am going to find my run love again. My mojo. Maybe I'll shed some of these extra pounds that have barnacled on while I wasn't moving.
Second, I'm going to blog every day for lent. I have no freaking clue what I am going to say. But maybe I'll remember how much I love this writing thing again too. Or maybe I'll decide that I'm done with blogging forever. Last ditch effort and all that.
We'll see how this goes :)
I miss reading...but so many blogs are not what they used to be.
It's difficult to write when the people who've been your fodder over the years now are damn near grown young people with opinions on what you share about them over the interwebs. It's also tough when you've lost the passion for the thing that gives you a reason to haul your lazy ass out of bed early every morning, So basically, I was out of content.
This year, for lent, instead of giving up all the things, I am going to try to DO all the things. Things to make me a better me.
First up - training for Grandmas again. I am going to take it seriously, even if the race is designated a fun race for me and my sister. I am going to find my run love again. My mojo. Maybe I'll shed some of these extra pounds that have barnacled on while I wasn't moving.
Second, I'm going to blog every day for lent. I have no freaking clue what I am going to say. But maybe I'll remember how much I love this writing thing again too. Or maybe I'll decide that I'm done with blogging forever. Last ditch effort and all that.
We'll see how this goes :)
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