There is a post that has been rattling around in my head for nearly a month. It all started with a comment I'd left on another blog that of course, I can't find. I'm pretty sure it was on Kimberly's blog. But the long and the short of it was the tremendous hit my self esteem took after having my first baby.
I felt unimportant. Unattractive. Unworthy. UnEVERYTHING. The "un" was crippling.
Backing up, once the middle school years passed (you know - the years during which EVERYONE feels awkward and ugly, even the beautiful people) I'd never suffered self-esteem issues. I felt good enough, the majority of the time.
But only good ENOUGH.
After having kids, I didn't even feel good enough.
Since I started running, I 've gotten back to "good enough." I was pretty happy with how I'd been feeling about myself this past year. Confident even. I said as much in my goals post.
Then I read ginny's post on Friday and I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
I spent the rest of the day chewing on just WHY that post had hit me so hard. I settled into a quiet, just thinking. The quiet lasted through the day, and on the car ride home from Jack's basketball game, it struck me.
Good enough is no longer good enough.
So I'm resolving to spend this year reminding myself that I'm more than good enough. That at times I am fucking outstanding even. My quest to be "better" will not dissuade me from believing in myself and my inherent outstandingness. I owe that to ME.
***
Later that same night, armed with my new found understanding, John and I headed upstairs to bed. As I pulled off my tshirt to put on my pj's, he looked at me.
A slow smile spread over his face.
I thought maybe he was appreciating my new, stronger physique. Enjoying the gun show even.
Then he asked me, "Is your fly open?"
Yup. Had been all through basketball. Outstanding, indeed.
LOL @ the fly being down. I have a pair of pants at work that I cannot seem to keep the fly up!
ReplyDeleteI love the post you linked to. It makes me sad that so many people think that way! And I know they do. I can sense it in blog posts that they write (or in things people say to me in person).
A lot of times when I feel down about my capabilities, I just remind myself how much I can do - how much I have improved. When chasing a goal that seems out of reach, I try to remember the awesome journey I took to get there.
Of course, the post you linked to was more about looks/appearance... so I am kind of off base here ;)
Anyway, I like that you are making 2012 the year of getting better but remembering how awesome you already are.
Yeah, your story at the end definitely took a turn I didn't expect. :) That would so happen to me.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. I totally get what you're saying, but for me it works out differently. For me, after a lifetime of feeling insecure, I have a real satisfaction in finally feeling that I am good enough. I'm not perfect, I could be better at anything and everything I do, but I have nothing to prove. I am plenty.
"I am plenty" PERFECTLY sums up what I was trying to articulate! "Good enough" suggests a bare minimum to me, and I was trying to remember that I am more than the minimum. PLENTY - my new mantra :)
ReplyDeletesnort. the fly.
ReplyDeleteI'm the same way. I've found that P!NK's song "F*cking Perfect" clearly defines how I need to feel about myself. There's a saying going around that goes, "if you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself you wouldn't have any friends." True, very true. I have to remind myself of that.
Haha, love the fly thing. :) Sometimes we are our own worst critic. FTR, I think you're awesome all the time!
ReplyDeleteYou are definitely more than enough! (By the way, that phrase would sound so different if you told it to a child.) I think we can get so caught up in what we aren't doing that we forget the list (a million miles long, I might add) of things we have done/are doing. It's worth noting those things and making sure we give ourselves due credit. Even if our fly is down :)
ReplyDeleteFly was open all through basketball... Chuckling to myself!
ReplyDeleteI love this blog post, Bobbi, because sometimes OUTSTANDING and SELF DEPRECATING must be one in the same! =)
ReplyDeleteWell said! I (as you know) struggle with this non stop. I never remember LIKING myself- ever. and that sucks. I admire you!
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautifully written post. Thank you for writing it, putting yourself out there, and reminding all of us that we don't have to settle and that we are better than we even know.
ReplyDeleteYour post and Ginny's post are so real, they pull a cord that resonates with everyone, well certainly with me they do. I also need to harness the positivity of feeling good and loving myself more, I won't be taking love away from anyone but I will be giving myself so much more. Moving forward with self-love xx
ReplyDeleteListen to the song, Breathe Me by Sia...
ReplyDeleteSums it up quite nicely as to how I've felt for years.
And know.
I think. You are flip flapping amazing.
Dammit.
You love with such passion, and have the drive of a Mack truck.
Keep.
moving.
forward.
And know that beautiful face lights up light a beautiful sunrise when she is around her family and friends, so much so that her little sister often gets a twinge of jealousy because for years I lost that light.
Keep shining dear sister...
You've got this, kiddo. <3
*lights up "like" a beautiful sunrise. GAH I can't spell.
ReplyDeleteWasn't G's post amazing? That shit needs to be published somewhere. Talk about hitting home.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm fairly new to following your blog so I sincerely mean this with tons of niceness.
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME!!!!
I had breakfast with Kimberly on Saturday and she mentioned how sweet you were. I'm a fan and there are many other as well. You are so much more than good enough!!!
Hope 2012 brings you a deep sense of appreciation for all you are and all you bring to this world.
a - f*cking -men bobbi. You do owe that to you.
ReplyDeleteYou're truly one of my favorite "friends I've never met". I think you're awesome. I liked you a lot before, but leading up to and then at Grandma's marathon last year you inspired me. Yeah. Think on that for a minute.
I think you're outstanding.
And beautiful.
And best of all, real.
(and knuckle bump on the punch line of this whole post. Totally cracked up. Very GBA, I must say.)
We all set our own expectations of ourselves. What's different (or hard to remember) is our expectations of self are different from one person to the next.
ReplyDeleteI like the song, and the pants! We all need to remember, we can only do as good as we can do. One day at a time!
We all set our own expectations of ourselves. What's different (or hard to remember) is our expectations of self are different from one person to the next.
ReplyDeleteI like the song, and the pants! We all need to remember, we can only do as good as we can do. One day at a time!
I didn't see the open fly part coming at all!
ReplyDeleteLifehouse has always been a big favorite of mine. Each day is a reminder of how amazing life can be!
Oh gosh, the fly is too funny. Yeah, I could see that happening to me too!
ReplyDeleteLove your new found attitude. YOU are freaking AWESOME, girl!!!!! You really are!
Isn't it weird how many of us, as kids, thought we were all that and a bag of chips but between then and now something happens and we lose that? What happens exactly?
ReplyDeleteLike the fairy godmother said to Dorothy: it wasn't the ruby slippers, the magic has been in you all the time!
I'm glad you are realizing that. : )
In the words of Aibileen from The Help, "You is kind, you is smart, you is important." And I happen to think you are amazing! Even if you're not always good at zipping up your pants. :)
ReplyDeletetoo Fricken Hysterical with the open fly!!! And the attitude...let's hope it's contagious!
ReplyDelete